Any Progress Since Then?

Folks, here’s the deal. I’m as sick of looking at that last post as you are and I have to get it pushed down quick. But I’ve been busy and not real inspired to write anything new. So, I scurried through the archives and came up with this, written about two years ago, presented to you in its original, unedited format. It actually might become sort of pertinent since I’m working on something that could look back to this; or it might not. If someone could get Desmond to wire a note to Sawyer and have them pass it on to me that’d be a help.

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It’s usually about 120 minutes after noon before I can finally manage facing the day. I dress myself — I’m a prodigy that way, something that potential employers seem to have overlooked. I choose from among three or four pair of Urban Outfitters trousers that always stay in heavy rotation, jauntily set off by a plain T-shirt in three-guesses-or-less-yes black. The last thing to go on are my Adbusters Blackspot (TM) Shoes.

Did you catch that? That’s right, my shoes are from Adbusters, the magazine / nonprofit whositz that’s been a thorn in America’s fascist big business war-mongering side for close to 20 years now, baby! These guys don’t just hate the Republicans, they hate Clinton and Gore even more! You think John Kerry is going to solve anything? You’re so naive. My shoes know better than that.

The shoes themselves? Here goes. Black over their entire surface with the exception of a silver-dollar-sized circle that’s entirely white: a parody of a corporate logo. They’re made from hemp, providing not just a grainy texture but also the impression that I’m down with the stoner lawbreakers who flout the laws that make marijuana against the law. Laws? Your laws mean nothing to me. Watch me jaywalk on out of here, you square.

Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up. The sole looks like it’s made from an old automobile tire… because it is! I’m walking around on a pair of Pirellis! My footprints leave people guessing: Man or Car? And you call crushing your Pepsi cans “recycling.” Pffft. You’re probably just getting around to installing those low-energy light bulbs, right? That doesn’t impress me. I don’t even use light bulbs. I live in the dark.

Oh right, the shoes. They’re about as tall as an iPod nano and just a little bit longer than a foot. Size Nine, if you please. The heel and toe are capped with additional recycled rubber while the rest of the shoe is made from that eco-friendly hemp I was talking about earlier. The two pieces of fabric that form the shoe are patched together roughly with the stitchwork exposed, giving it a raw, do-it-yourself, I’m-not-from-the-suburbs look.

But wait, there’s more! The tip of the right shoe has a red dot on it, reminding the wearer to “kick corporate ass.” Seriously! It says so right on the Adbusters.com site! A warning that I’m not just alternative and underground and politically cynical, I’m violent as well. Dangerous, even.

I hate to act like I’m attached to my possessions — that’s way too Ugly American. But I have to admit these shoes mean a lot to me. They remind me that I’m an outsider. I may be a friendless, jobless, hairless underachiever living on money from home, but at least I have interesting shoes.

They can’t take that away from me.
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